I had a similar reaction to this photo of Governor Gregoire and Representative Jamie Pedersen after the historic House vote to legalize marriage equality in Washington. A new and better world. Meet my guest for today’s Marriage Project:
My daughter walked into the living room and saw me crying, re-reading the newspaper article for the third time. She asked if I got an ouchy and needed a band-aid or a kiss. I told her “no,” and she asked me what was wrong. I told her “nothing,” so of course she asked me why I was crying. I told her I was happy, and that sometimes grown-ups cry when they’re happy. She asked me if I was happy because the princess in the picture found her prince.
After I stopped laughing – because obviously my kid has amazing comic timing – I told her, “No, he is not her prince, but the story below the photo is about something that happened with those people, and it is very good news.”
Of course next she wanted to know what the story was about. I had to think about it; I mean how do you explain a gay marriage bill to a 5 year old? Speak her language. My five year old loves Disney. So I told her that today the kingdom we live in decided that when Mommy finds her princess, she will be allowed to marry her. She told me I was silly because I didn’t need to ask those guys, I just needed to ask the princess.
That’s what struck me. Nope, I don’t have to ask those guys or fight some other guys or anything else anymore. I just gotta find my princess (not as easy as it sounds) and marry her. The best part is knowing my daughter will never remember a time when I couldn’t marry a woman. Or a princess.
As someone who has been married and divorced, marriage means many things to me. Pretty high on the list of why marriage matters, is that marriage is one way that children identify who is in their family.
Seeing me marry Ms. Princess – when she comes along – is just one more reason that the next generation will not think of two same-sex parents as different, inferior or weird. Marriage equality will just be a fact of life to them. Everyone will grow up knowing that some kids have two moms or two dads, just like the children of my generation grew up accepting step-parents as commonplace.
Someday when my sweet little princess grows up, she will probably hear about our generations’ civil rights battle in history class. She will probably shake her head, roll her eyes and wonder why kids like her are forced to study silly relics of the past. Just the same way I did when forced to read about past generations and their civil rights battle. I remember thinking, “Well, that stupid stuff is never going to happen again or anything, so why is this important to me?”
It was a matter of fact to me. Black people are people, so of course they deserve all the rights white people do. Um, duh! It’s a silly concept, discrimination. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could disagree with my logic. The worldview I was raised with taught that equality was just a fact.
I look forward to my daughter growing up in a generation that will feel the same way about the fact that gay marriage was ever illegal. Um, duh. What a silly concept.
After my daughter was tucked into bed that night, I sat up, still re-reading the same article, and I thought more about my daughter as she grows up. I thought about what her life will be like if she is gay, and it made me happy to think that she will not have to consider what that means for her ability to fall in love, get married, have kids, have insurance, buy a house, retire and die in her soulmate’s arms. Whether my daughter is gay or straight or something in-between, she will take it for granted that she will have a “normal life”.
I know that I considered all of those things as I grew up, and I probably would have decided to follow my heart a lot sooner if happiness had seemed as possible then as it suddenly does now.
Thankfully, being exactly who she is will seem a lot less scary for my daughter than it did for me.
Honestly, the only reason I was ever brave enough to come out at all was because of my kid. I didn’t want her to see me have tolerable, if not downright unhappy relationships with men and think that is all she can expect for her own life. So, thanks kiddo for reminding me that I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission to love, marry and live happily ever after with whomever I please.
Kristie Towry
Spokane, WA
