You know one of the first principles of self-protection: People tell you who they are. That seems so obvious. Yeah. We know. They tell us who they are. And? And, since they’re telling you who they are, why are you describing them as someone else? This woman told me that my previous blog, Clit Test, advocated settling over passion. Never. I would never advocate settling. I was describing, in that blog, the baffling tendency of women to imbue their prospective partners with almost spiritual qualities simply because they’re attracted to them. I want you, therefore you must be good. And not just good, you must be good for me.
She isn’t negligent and self-involved, she works way too many jobs and hasn’t been sleeping. He isn’t irresponsible, his ex was an asshole who left him with a bunch of debt that wasn’t his and now he’s gallantly paying it off. In retrospect, after our own relationship with shinyperfectperson is over, we see they are exactly the person they said they were, but early on we made their shit seem like clay — which is to say, building material — rather than feces. They told us who they were. We’re the ones who decided to see potential instead.
Or, let me describe it another way: I was raised by a controlling father. I married a controlling man. Once I figured that out, I left him and stopped dating men. Therefore, I was golden, right? Except I started dating controlling women. I had a pattern and I couldn’t see the warning signs because I had a pattern. Familiar was comforting. It felt like home and so it would certainly keep me safe. No. They were telling me who they were. I just didn’t believe them. I wanted them to be better. And so I believed they were.
What I was saying, in Clit Test, is that eventually you learn desire isn’t enough. Sexual attraction is a major ingredient, but it isn’t the entire fucking brownie. People tell you who they are, and they tell you from the beginning. Listen to them.
4 thoughts on “Wait, who did you say you are?”
Excellent. I’m trying to reconcile this very idea right now. The question for me is: Can I live with the imperfection I’ve been told about and shown and not continue to want to change it? Argh…
God, that’s a hard one, isn’t it? Can I live with this? That’s what you’re asking, isn’t it?
I had to make a list. Attributes, values, characteristics, whatever you want to call it. I made a list of things I wanted and things that were nonnegotiable and it was unbelievable how much clearer my vision became.
very insightful read. really made me think. can’t wait to read more of your stuff, for i was just told about your site tonight through a friend.
Thank you, Nikki. I’m grateful.